Please Forward.

I am declaring a jihad on chain e-mailers. Let this be a day of reckoning for all ye who send mindless bullshit to those of us who do not care to read it!

As far as I’m concerned, you are worse than Viagra spammers, more insidious than those who wish my non-existent penis to be rock-hard and at the ready twenty-four fucking hours per day, more vile than Olabobo Oomfoofoo from Yomama, Nigeria, who wishes me many many blessings and would dearly love to have my checking account number so that I can launder his money. You are even worse than Tiffani and Cyndi and Sandi (hi Sandi) and all those Super Horny Hott Slutty Housewives who beg for a little piece of my much-sought-after action throughout the day.

You, my friend, are a forward button addict; and you must be stopped by any means necessary.

Let us get to the heart of the matter, friends.

I have a cat. As a matter of fact, I have several cats. I will confess that I love my cats probably far more than is right and proper. I talk to them in silly voices and may or may not have kissed one on the mouth at some time or another. I sometimes post pictures of my cats on my website, and when I do I feel the sense of shame that every cat-loving crazy person feels when he or she has Crossed That Line – I realize that I am two scant steps away from a wicker rocking chair and a bad neighborhood nickname, and I try to get out more.

This, however, does not mean that I want to look at an endless supply of cute wittle kitty pictures. I do not care whether the cute wittle kitty in question is dressed up in a top hat and tails, being chased by a domokun, or stuffed in a flower pot by that crackhead Anne Geddes. If I want to look at a cute wittle kitty I will look directly at my feet and peruse one of my own little hairballs, and if I feel like a change of pace I will go to Stuff On My Cat like everybody else.

STOP SENDING ME KITTENS. I CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE FUCKING KITTENS.

Jesus, why don’t you just invite me over to your house to pore over your thimble collection?? Why don’t we get together and scour eBay for fucking HUMMEL FIGURINES?!

I AM NOT NINETY, PEOPLE. GAH.

Next there is the issue of Jesus. Now, I am sure that Jesus was fine and fluffy. Rumor has it that he walked on water and was a hell of guy to have around at parties, but I must confess I am sick to death of the sight of him in my mailbox. Every time I turn around, there’s Jesus, showering me with good grace and blessings and unsolicited advice. If I want that kind of stuff I call my relatives.

The kids can’t say the Pledge of Allegiance at school anymore, but it’s perfectly OK to toss Jesus in my GMail six times a day? What kind of shit is that? I endured parochial school for a very long time and I am all Jesused out. I appreciate the fact that people are trying to spread religious fervor and goodly wisdom, but I wish they’d take a hint from the Jehovah’s Witnesses, get off of their asses, and start knocking on doors. At least then people would have the chance to run and hide should they so desire.

Today I received a chain e-mail which contained the following message:

Someone recently read this for the first time and received exactly
enough for a $0 balance on all credit cards. If you need a financial
blessing, continue reading this email.

It went on to list a prayer and a request to forward the e-mail to those in need of financial help. I thought, aw. That’s nice. I would dearly love to believe that God is working through e-mail to erase the debt of all those near and dear to my heart, but I AM NOT SMOKING THE CRACK.

Christ.

Child safety chain mail has been a thorn in my ass ever since the dawn of time. If you are a parent, and if you have a mother, and if your mother somehow manages to get a hold of your e-mail address (I will assume that you are sane and did not volunteer this information), you will receive roughly forty-three child safety chain e-mails per day, and they will go a little something like this:

Dear Friend:

Please pass this along to EVERYONE YOU KNOW OF CHILDBEARING AGE because it is SO SERIOUSLY SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT. AND ALSO TOTALLY TRUE. I know some of these things are supposed to be urban legends but this really happened to my sister’s co-worker’s cousin’s brother in-law’s insurance agent’s step-dad’s manicurist, Eula Mae.

Eula Mae took Jimmy Joe to McDonald’s one day because he had not bitten anyone that day and his Ritalin was working well. After eating his Happy Meal, he went to play in the Playland. Eula Mae watched her child happily hurl plastic balls at the other children, and after an hour she took him home. The next morning he was stiff, cold, and dead.

During the autopsy, the medical examiner found a hypodermic needle full of heroin jammed into Jimmy Joe’s butt. When the police ordered the AssCrack, Nebraska McDonald’s to clean their ball pit, they found several more needles, twelve dirty diapers, a vial of crack, a severed head, and Jimmy Hoffa.

DON’T EVER LET YOUR CHILD PLAY IN A BALL PIT OR AT A MCDONALD’S EVER AGAIN! SEND THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! SEND THIS TO TWELVE MOMS IN ONE HOUR AND YOUR CHILD WILL MAKE THE HONOR ROLL THIS MONTH!!

Please God, it burnssss my eyessss.

I am just going to encase my child in a big plastic box with a few air holes in order to protect him from the enormous fanged dangers that lurk around every corner.

Then there are the completely pointless e-mails – “IS YOUR NAME ON THIS LIST?” “INTERNET JOKES THAT MADE THE ROUNDS FOUR YEARS AGO!!” “SCHMALTZY POEM ‘FOR THE TROOPS’”!

I have asked my friends and relations to quit sending me this vile and crapulent garbage, but they persist. Loaded with animated gifs and smilies, it comes. Brimming with overuse of capital letters and chock-full of the most ridiculous misspellings, it comes. Every day, day in, day out, it comes.

What is there to do? I hate to be nasty, but this has got to stop.

I would like to set up some sort of program that automatically answers such forwards with “This mailbox has been equipped with a crap detector. Your message has been found to be lacking in style, substance, and/or depth. Your message has therefore been blocked. This is due to automatic rules that have determined that your message is probably crap.”

A girl can dream.

Happy Friday, and remember – friends don’t send friends chain e-mails.

Send this journal entry to twelve people, and you will never receive a chain e-mail again.

Heh.

8:04 a.m. - 2005-10-14
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